From control to empowerment: growth from the inside out

The coronavirus. So potent a force has it become across our world that it stands alone as its own sentence. And with it has come a tremendous amount of conflicting information, perspectives, theories and states of being: from uncertainty about the future to current conviction that things will, inevitably, change on a systemic level; from positive outlooks regarding that change for people and planet to negative prophecies of global authoritarianism; from flailing around to assign blame - whether to bats or ‘foreigners’ who brought the virus to one’s land - to thousand-feet-up bird’s eye views proclaiming that this is Mother Nature’s inevitable quest for equilibrium, amid myriad other dichotomies and the nuances in between.

Perhaps the only common thread uniting us all within this, wherever in the world we may be and whatever our socioeconomic or familial circumstances, is the search (whether a haphazard scramble or a methodical march) for some kind of control over the situation.

Because, indeed, it all feels so uncontrollable. So panicked, so squeezed, so inconvenient. So desperately sad for those of us and our loved ones whose health or even lives have been compromised. And, for many – many – people around the world whose industry is being decimated or who, due to a lack of legal legitimisation, workers’ rights and social protections don’t have the luxury of quarantining – so devastating. Physically, economically, and psychologically.

Where, then, does this leave our sense of aliveness and basic security, not to mention our joy and solidity in ourselves? To what extent are we able, under such conditions, to stand up in our own right to live the way we need to live for the sake of our authentic, free and healthy selves, our families and our communities? In this article, I offer one way of engaging with these questions by moving through the dialectic of fear – control – empowerment, together with an inner work exercise for any of us struggling with feelings of anxiety, stress and paralysis during these times.

Numerous commentators on the current public health crisis, such as Charles Eisenstein and Arundhati Roy in their deeply moving articles, have drawn attention to other ongoing, tragic situations, observing that our responses to these have not been as marked. One reason for this could be that the difference between this crisis and others (such as poverty and childhood hunger), is that this one raises acute, immediate fear that is very specific and tangible to each of us as individuals. Fear is a primal emotion that’s been with us since the earliest dawn of the evolution of Homo Sapiens, activated especially when survival is perceived as threatened. Thus, by personally and immediately adopting some of the current recommended measures (isolating, hand washing, etc.), we give ourselves a sense of control over the perceived enemy, whether real or imagined, and that lowers fear.

Undoubtedly, this drive for control is happening on both a personal and collective level. Understanding the interplay between these two is also key to understanding why our current responses differ from those to our ongoing world problems. I’ll come back specifically to this interplay a bit later on. For now, I’d like to focus on the personal – our individual drive for control in the face of this fear as a reactive, defensive force, and how this may forestall stepping into our empowerment, a proactive, creative force that enables us to think differently and innovate new actions in response to our own and others’ needs.

While they may, on the topsoil, look similar, control and empowerment contain subtle, yet powerful differences. While control can be seen as a rock placed above a potentially dangerous opening containing dark and unknown creatures to stop them from poking their heads out, empowerment is the soft earthworm of the idea that we can not only co-exist with those creatures, but can actually interact with and ‘feed’ on them to grow stronger and nurture new life.

Oxford University's online dictionary defines control as: ‘the power to influence or direct people's behaviour or the course of events,’ as well as: 'the ability to restrain one's own emotions or actions.' On the same site, empowerment is defined as ‘authority or power given to someone to do something,' as well as 'the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights.’

Moving deeper into these definitions from a psychological perspective, and taking the individual psyche as the terrain, control could be re-conceptualised to mean the ability to impose certain attitudes and behaviours onto oneself from the outside in; that is, by changing a behaviour or imposing a new one in order to feel differently inside (or, indeed, to restrict feeling altogether), e.g., going on a diet or adopting a strict exercise regime to feel more in control of your body.

On the other hand, empowerment could be re-conceptualised to refer to you, as the individual, regaining a sense of agency over your life from the inside out, by first addressing the underlying conflicts and emotions within you and, from there, finding in your own self the power to act within a given circumstance. Interestingly, in the first cited dictionary definition, the ‘giver’ of empowerment is an abstract entity. Within the terrain of your own psyche, you are that giver – and you alone. Empowerment, in this sense, is a feeling of right relationship with yourself based on connecting with your inner physical and emotional environment with the purpose of moving towards a state of being that includes groundedness, clarity about the actions you need to take, and a sense of strength and willingness to follow those actions through.

Mirroring the example from above, empowerment would mean first examining the issues in your life and the core beliefs instilled in you when you were very small in order to understand why you feel out of control of your body in the first place, at the subconscious level of your being, which (sorry) dominates a minimum of 90% of your brain and nervous system. From there, empowered decision making would more likely lead to lifelong and slow, but steady, changes in habits rather than a series of fad diets. While this would be a much more difficult path to follow in many ways, it would be all the more rewarding due to being propelled by your own inner imperative (and the fact that, as such, it’s likely to actually work).

I do not write any of this to theorise or to preach, but to offer something that could be of service as a consequence of my empowerment, derived from my own painful experience of the current crisis. Recently, with regard to a very specific aspect of my quarantined life, I found myself slipping into sadness, despair and disconnection from my wellbeing, my little son, and my home life. Recognising this, I engaged with an inner work exercise that allowed me to connect with the points of pain, shame and fear in myself and follow them through to the other side – the place where the meeting with my own empowerment allowed fear to be seen, but not to take root, and where I could consider each of these points with self-compassion and calm, thereafter taking the decisions that were urgently needed from a rational, grounded place.

This is the exercise I offer to you now, designed to help shift you from a state of fear, anxiety and panic to one of calm, clear perspective and integrity. It was co-created with Pat Wyman, who developed the 3Keys approach to self-understanding and inner work that has guided my own healing journey and on which the work of Free Your Core is based. This approach encompasses both engagement with our emotional state (our ‘inside’) and with cognitive action setting (our ‘outside’), based on the understanding that both are essential to changing our behaviours and external impact on the world. You can find many more exercises like these in Pat's book, Three Keys to Self-Understanding.

I invite you to give this piece of inner work a go before reading the remainder of this article. If you choose to do that, see if this article itself resonates differently with you afterwards.

Inner work exercise for accessing your empowered core: The Bridge

To aid the effectiveness of this exercise, try to avoid analysing what’s happening as you go through it. Analysis can come after you’ve completed the work. Rather, allow yourself to feel your feelings and engage with whatever arises.

To prepare: Give yourself an hour or so, preferably in a calm, private space where you will not be disturbed, or using such means as you can to simulate that (e.g., parents at home with small children can use earplugs and enjoy the bathroom floor – it worked for me! If there is no alternative carer, and with deepest respect for your mighty efforts, I would gently invite you to eat into your precious rest time in the evening or when they’re napping, just this once – your inner child will thank you).

Get a clear notepad or sheet of A4/A3 paper, together with pencils, crayons, or whatever you can write with, in a few different colours if possible. You may also wish to have a piece of music to hand that generates feelings of calm, strength and clarity in you. Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few deep breaths and bring to mind any and all of your thoughts about the exercise you are about to do, whether that be curiosity, hope, scepticism, fear, and so on. Hold those thoughts for a moment… and then let them go, allowing yourself to be open to this work for the following hour.

To begin: Turn your attention to the coronavirus pandemic. Think about everything you’ve read, watched and discussed that’s happening around the world. Everything your family, friends and neighbours are saying and going through. And then think about yourself and what you’ve been experiencing.

Allow yourself to breathe deeply for a few moments. You may well be feeling anxious or stressed at this point – don’t try to force the feelings away. Sit with them for a few minutes and then, on your piece of paper, write down everything you’re feeling on one side of the (horizontal) page. You can do this as a list of words (‘sad, depressed, anxious, angry,’ etc.), and/or as phrases (‘I feel like everything is on top of me,’ ‘I feel under immense pressure,' 'I'm scared I won't be able to provide,’ etc.). Try to avoid analysing the reasons behind these feelings or writing long sentences. Focus on your feelings and get them all out, including (and especially) anything that might feel taboo, or that you feel unable to share with others. Give yourself the space to do that now – to be honest, and to be with yourself in a way that, given all the suddenness and fear wrought by the current situation, may not have been possible up to now. Note down where and how each of these feelings physically appears in your body (such as pain in your stomach, tension in your neck, etc.). If visual expression resonates with you, you can also draw a symbolic or literal representation of how the situation feels to you somewhere on the same side of the page. Rest assured that you can’t do this wrong.

When that feels complete, put the paper down. Take a few moments to survey what you’ve put down and, again, allow your feelings to be there, acknowledging and expressing them however you need to (tensing, crying, shouting into a pillow or a towel - whatever surges up).

Once your feelings have reached their peak, breathe deeply again and allow them to gently begin to subside. Then stand. Stretch. Jump up and down a little, do a little dance, massage your face and neck – any movement that feels enlivening and soothing, for a minute or two. You may also wish to play a musical piece softly that provides a sense of personal strength, whatever that may be for you.

When you feel ready, sit comfortably once more. Now remember a moment when you felt a sense of wellbeing, calm and strength in your adult life. Closing your eyes, breathing deeply and experiencing what you’re wearing and the sights, sounds and smells around you in this moment will really help to get you grounded in the associated feelings. Allow yourself to hold this experience of you in your mind and body for as long as it takes to truly feel that you are embodying this state, noting where and how it arises in your body… and enjoying the moment for as long as you like!

Once that feels complete, turn your attention back to the piece of paper and, on the other side of the page, write out how you now feel after having experienced the state of wellbeing. Take a moment to discern what it was, exactly, that made you feel that way beneath the details of the actual event, location or others present. For example, was it a sense of connectedness or the opportunity to be alone that made you feel good? Was it having helped someone, or having overcome a fulfilling challenge for yourself? Was it being in nature and feeling connected to the earth? Write out these feelings and aspects and, if you would like to, draw out this version of yourself. Allow whatever comes up to emerge – you can’t get this wrong.

When you’re done, take a moment to survey this new, desirable state. Then, draw a bridge, however you imagine it, going from the first set of feelings and phrases (and perhaps drawing) you put down, to these new aspects on the other side of the page. Allow yourself to savour the creation of this bridge, and take in the contrast between the two sides it connects.

Now consider a couple of actions that you can realistically take in the here and now to carry your frightened, anxious, stressed self 'over the bridge' to your inner place of calm, clarity and strength. Write these actions down on the bridge, being as specific as you can. These actions will vary widely and be unique to you. They may include carving out time every day to sit with yourself in a moment of quiet and inward connection; ingesting a healthier mental diet; intentionally spending regular time away from or with certain household members in whatever way is feasible; proactively engaging with new sources of social and economic support that are being made available; or, indeed offering such support to another in your life – the possibilities are endless. And these are, of course, just examples – it’s not for me to tell you what to actually do. Rather, it is my hope that this exercise can help guide you to a place where your own inner imperative and drive for true wellbeing will tell you.

End the exercise by taking in the full scope of what you've written and drawn on the page, perhaps again playing a piece of music that inspires you. Breathe deeply a final few times. And say a quiet thank you to yourself for taking this time to connect with the feelings that so much needed to be heard, and with the hope brought by the awareness of your empowered core.

Finally: follow through with the actions you set. This is key. Accessing the feeling state brought on by the empowering actions you choose and contrasting them with your state of fear will certainly motivate you to do so. The more regularly you then follow through, the more you will reinforce those empowering feelings, motivating you towards further empowering action and thus triggering a virtuous spiral of self-growth and empowerment, rather than a vicious descent into fear.

Bear in mind that this exercise can be repeated as often as you need. The more familiar you become with it, the smoother will be your progress through the different stages and the more easily your feelings, inner connection and rational, empowered decision making will flow. The exercise can also be applied to any situation that you find yourself struggling with.

You are welcome to email me with any thoughts or queries about this exercise, or to arrange to talk through what you experienced, at no cost - this is my way of being of service to the community during these turbulent times. Please also feel free to leave any comments below.

From personal empowerment to social change

Coming back to the present-day context, taking such empowered action doesn’t mean that we will necessarily choose to stop washing our hands and isolating in a manner we consider to be responsible. Rather, such actions will come from a place of empowered self-care to complement our response to the situation instead of define it, with emotional room and energy made for new action to do the defining. That way, instead of placing the rock of control squarely over the dangerous opening of our fears, we’ll move it halfway across so that our empowerment can also emerge into the sunlight.

When something like the current public health scenario happens universally, we often see the best come out in most people, as we are now. We live in a society that values hierarchy, but what many are pointing to now is the need to advocate for community values – for the sake of survival as much as humanity. Worldview and decisions are made quite differently from these opposing value systems. It is interesting to observe that countries such as South Korea, Taiwan and Vietnam have done better with this challenge because they are thinking in terms of the greater community rather than how their stock is doing. That arguably demonstrates a lingering societal norm from earlier times and, perhaps, different modes of understanding and caring for oneself also.

Yes, there is opportunity when this is over for a different path going forward on a societal level. As individuals going about our daily lives, those of us who aren’t activists or involved in some other way in sustained, regular engagement with the big social issues of our day, often can’t do so not only due to our everyday life constraints, but also because we feel these issues are simply far too big for us to do anything about on our own. And here is where inner work that brings us closer to empowerment can help: it can clear the path before our eyes and so help us make the conscious decision not to be overwhelmed by these issues, but to address what we each can do to, firstly, help the person in front of us in the mirror and, from there, to take empowered decisions regarding our children, family, friends and neighbours.

This, then, brings us back full circle to the eternal dance between our internal and external worlds, and the implications of this dance for our collective structures, such as how inner emotions like fear equal external actions like authoritarian control, separation, and so forth. Conversely: how shifting those inner states to ones of calm and clarity can equal taking responsible precautions while at the same time connecting with and helping our communities in innovative, perhaps even system-shifting ways.

To conclude, I would like to offer you some reflections on two symbolic representations of control and empowerment, respectively.

Firstly, consider the image this post began with - a depiction of covid-19. Observe it closely and you'll note the dominance of the large centre of the virion, and the smallness and uniformity of the arms that protrude but ultimately point back inward, conveying a sense of closed-ness and coldness.

Then observe this other form, also in essence a sphere with protrusions:

It is a painting made by my dear friend, Noemi Arnold, created in an organic, stream-of-consciousness fashion, but with the clear intention of expressing her inner truth, and fearlessness in relaying that truth. The result is a dance between the dark colours of her shadow, 'messy' life, and the true colours underlying them - those we are all born with, which never change, and which only require our willingness to see in order to enable them to reach outwards into the world and create anew there. And, indeed, that is what we witness: while the basic form is the same as that of the virus above, here the vibrant arms of true vitality reach far beyond the canvass itself, and are themselves the dominant force rather than the fixed centre, which here seeks not to retain but to send forth.

So it is with this hope that I offer you the inner work exercise presented here: that it will help you to feel alive as the real, empowered you, beyond all the ‘shoulds’, hardships and expectations weighing you down and sucking you into the cold, hard place of fear and contraction. For, surely, if our ‘productive purpose’ has been thwarted, as mainstream culture the world over denotes it, then perhaps we are being called to ‘do’ something else: to remember that aliveness and to claim it. Not to give ourselves up to despair, inertia or terror, but to stand up in this aliveness. Every Single Day. If only for a moment, a glimpse. Eventually, glimpse by glimpse, we will begin to see better, blink less and grow stronger, more sure and more rooted in the core of our integrity, our empowerment, until these roots begin to spread and reach above through the earth of our homes to create the changes we so deeply need in our lives and our world. If we allow them, these changes will become inevitable. And they begin with each one of us.