Running the rocky shore

Another day, another species extinct. Another geo-political conflict brewing. Another femicide.

It was the latter that kept going through my mind during my daily beach walk, typically the only precious me-time of the day, now tormented by news I’d made the mistake of reading that morning. The experience was made additionally arduous by the arrival of thousands of stones following the night’s storm, roughing up the otherwise smooth sand. The jumble of rocks and pebbles combined with the mental rumination made me stumble, keeping me in a state of alertness and stress rather than the calm I’d been hoping for. Frustrated, no longer knowing where to put my feet or my mind, I was forced to stop. This is what I saw, mirroring how I felt inside:

In a world with constant, crushing news fighting for our attention and leeching us of the capacity to place our attention in what elevates and empowers us, how can we remain grounded? How can we live our days in calm of conscience and peace of body that mean we don’t have to constantly be regulating our nervous systems but can just, you know, get on with simply living our lives?

I breathed for a moment to reflect on this, knowing that there was always one choice available to me: to deal with my own feelings. I could, on one hand, choose to be foiled both by the rocks and the awful news, walk no further and thus deny myself the opportunity to grow in agility and strength – a denial that could then lead to a variety of disempowering decisions: doing nothing, staying silent; modelling fear and disempowerment to others around me; pretending nothing is happening.

On the other hand, I could decide to use the feelings – the trigger – that the femicide wrought in me in the same way I could use the rocks: as steps to navigate and exercise both my physical and emotional muscles with.

Of course, we can’t be present to all the myriad presentations of pain in life. But we can be present with what triggers us at that deepest level, in those places where we’re hurting most. Inner work waits for no man, woman or child. It demands to be done, or it will keep calling to you through your body in ways you might not enjoy. And it is the momentum of this healing which can then propel us to act in rational and empowered ways, thus truly becoming the change we wish to see in the world.

In the name of both that personal and collective responsibility, I offer this exercise that you can do when the jagged rocks of injustice threaten to derail you. All you will need is a space where you will be undisturbed for 30mins or so, and some paper and pencils/pens/crayons to hand (in moments of emergency, I’ve literally done this in the bathroom with a napkin and ancient eyeliner dug out from the bottom of my handbag – let nothing stop you). For the most effective experience, I recommend you take each step as you come to it, rather than reading ahead:

1. Sit and take a moment to dwell on the piece of news that is making you feel triggered, uncomfortable. Feel the discomfort rise. Breathe.

2. Draw a visual representation of the trigger you’re experiencing. Don’t worry about the art – focus on the worst aspects that you’re most afraid of or enraged about, and represent them in a way that’s meaningful to you. When that feels complete:

3. Take a moment to sit back and observe the drawing. Notice what happens in your body as you take it in, this very personalised depiction of what this trigger elicits in you. Allowing your feelings to be there, draw a large speech bubble emanating from the drawing. Then imagine that the drawing itself – this trigger event, chronic occurrence, person or thing – is speaking to you. If it could send messages to you and about you, what would it say? Write those out in full sentences, allowing the messages to flow, not holding back. Don’t stop to analyse, rationalise or understand. Just keep going until it’s done. Here’s one example generously provided by a client, who used 3Keys inner work tools to independently do a piece of work on an act of ecocide that triggered her:

When no further messages emerge, read them back to yourself, out loud if you can, and proceed:

4. Breathe deeply and feel your body, noticing any specific points of pain and discomfort. On a separate page, write a list of the feelings and physical sensations that have arisen in you. Once again, the only rule is that you don’t hold back – no feeling is invalid, no sensation to be neglected. Finally, on the same page draw out the part of you feeling this way, however you want to represent that part, in humanoid form. Here’s my client's:

5. Look at this final drawing you’ve made. Really look at it. Feel what it’s like to be ‘in’ this part of your being, allowing the feelings to grow until they naturally plateau or diminish. Then, when you feel ready, enact the shift to a very different state, as follows:

6. Sit back or (ideally) stand and move away from the drawings and lists you have written. With eyes open or closed, breathe and move your body in a way that feels most comfortable and grounding to you. You might wish to jump or run on the spot, shake out your arms and legs, or simply give any tense muscles a gentle massage. Take your time to do so, focusing now on these new physical sensations and anchoring in them. When you feel ready, bring to mind a moment in your recent Adult life when you had compassion for - and the will to protect - something or someone you love, such as a child in your life, a beloved pet, area of nature, or cause. Connect with how your body feels in this moment, locating any specific physical sensations in you that arise alongside this sense of compassion and protection; breathe and focus in on these sensations. Finally, draw out the person you are in this state, marking on your body where you feel the desire and determination to protect.

7. Place the drawing you've just done in between the first two – of the original trigger and the part of you that felt triggered. As this person who protects, how do you feel towards the trigger drawing now? And what do you want to say or do to protect your hurting self from it? For example, if this were a person, animal or community you loved, and you were the hero of the piece, how would you protect them? Express this by writing out assertive words or phrases by your Protective Figure. Here's how that looked for my client:

When that feels complete, mobilise this expression in some way, for example by scribbling out the original trigger drawing as you repeat your chosen words. As you do so, feel the power in your body to mete out this justice, in this moment, now - feel your fingers and knuckles move and crack as you scribble, or better yet, hit the drawing with the palm of your hand, or punch a pillow if you have one nearby, feeling your arm strong and focused. Alternatively, you can place the trigger image beneath your feet and stamp on it, repeating the same assertive phrase you’ve chosen. There are many ways to do this justice part of the work – the only rule is that you put some muscle into it and, again, feel the impact in your body. Do not stop until you feel some – or much – satisfaction and release (and, if applicable, the original drawing has been eliminated). When this feels complete:

8. Turn your attention to the previously hurting part of you and, on a new piece of paper, write to this part, reassuring them that YOU – the true, Adult You – are now here to see and deal with the given threat, in words that feel true to you. When that is done, imagine asking this part of you what action they need from you in relation to the original trigger. Be still and listen. Breathe. And write out the action that arises – something concrete that you can follow through in the here-and-now, specifying when, what, how and where you will do it. Know that you cannot get this wrong; whatever action arises at this point will be the right one to help set you back into your reset, calm state, and allow you to live out the rest of your day free from this trigger. To give you a couple of examples, my own action that I came up with after working my femicide trigger was to move. Walk. Run and balance over the rocks, and then write this piece in hopes of providing a tool anyone could use to help shift their inner state in a moment of disempowerment. My above client’s was to begin sending a monthly donation to a re-wilding group of her choice.

9. Follow through with your action!

So there you have it, my friends. The more you work your triggers by daring to do inner work and step over those rocks - face your triggers - the less power they will have to actually hurt and disempower you, in you. Your challenge here is to exercise the one power you have in any moment: to change your experience of your own inner state of being. This is not an intellectual exercise – it can’t be, as that will do nothing for the triggered feelings in your body, which do not live in or come from rational thinking. Rather, the exercise is one of body and emotion, and of harnessing your will to shift into a place of strength and power over what’s dominating you. This does not mean you are denying whatever happened that triggered you. Quite the opposite: you are both fully acknowledging and subsequently eliminating the control it has over you, in you, taking back that power for yourself and thus freeing space and energy for action that will far better serve your own wellbeing and, by extension, that of the world around you.

Of course there are triggers and issues that can feel frightening or overwhelming, and for those you can consider getting some guidance and support. Even if you don’t feel you have major inner turmoil, we can all benefit from moving ahead in our personal growth. I’m always honoured to team up with someone interested in inner work.

At the end of my walk, I knew: the rocks will always be there. Deep beneath the warm, velvety sand that is so easy to walk upon, they await their next season of uncovering. But we don't have to let them stop us.

Whatever the outcome, once you shift inwardly to that place of power and calm, remember that a victory for you is a victory for all of us. So use the stabbing stories that pierce your heart – use them as steps towards your greater strength, empowerment, and respect for the Community of Life.